What to do when your partner is Always Defensive

🛑 What Do You Say to a Partner Who’s Always Defensive?

Let's talk about defensiveness.

One of the hardest things I hear in my office is this:

“My husband never admits he’s wrong. He blames me for everything, lies, then accuses me of lying, badmouths me to our kids, and refuses to listen to my feelings. I’m exhausted.”

“My wife makes me feel like an idiot when I share my feelings with her or ask for something. As soon as I do, she rolls her eyes or says I’m being too sensitive and then starts telling me all the ways I fail her. So I shut up and do it myself. I don’t want to live like this anymore, but I love her and don’t want to break up our family.”

Sound familiar? If you’ve ever tried to share your feelings only to be met with excuses, deflection, or outright blame, you know the frustration of hitting that brick wall called defensiveness.

Why Defensiveness is So Damaging

Defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen that Drs. John and Julie Gottman identified as predicting relationship breakdown. It typically occurs when someone refuses to take responsibility, can’t tolerate feedback, or quickly shifts the blame back onto their partner.

At its root, defensiveness is a refusal to accept influence. Gottman’s research shows that partners who won’t budge from “my way or the highway” dramatically reduce their chances of long-term happiness.

Once upon a time, people tolerated this more—especially women. But today, many aren’t willing to live indefinitely with a partner who never apologizes, never validates, and treats marriage like a cactus—something you shouldn’t have to water.

But here’s the truth: you deserve more. Wanting respect, repair, and equality doesn’t make you needy. It makes you human.

A Childhood Lesson in Defensiveness

Remember being a kid on the playground? You’d say, “Stop being mean!” and they’d fire back, “I know you are, but what am I?!” That’s defensiveness in its simplest form: a refusal to own anything.

How Defensiveness Shows Up in Our Adult Lives

Fast forward to adulthood, and while our language may have changed, the dynamics often haven’t. Defensiveness can sound like, “I wouldn’t have yelled if you hadn’t nagged me,” or “You’re just making this up to start a fight.” Instead of listening, taking a breath, and reflecting, the defensive partner self-protects at all costs, even if it means hurting the relationship.

It doesn’t just stop real communication; it teaches both partners that vulnerability is unsafe. Over time, the person on the receiving end stops sharing altogether, either bottling up resentment or shutting down emotionally. The result? A growing chasm of distance, mistrust, and loneliness, where love once flourished, now silence settles.

What Healthy Alternatives Look Like

There is another way to communicate with your partner.

The antidote to defensiveness is openness and accountability.

It means learning to pause, notice those rising urges to push back, and instead saying:

“I can see how my words hurt you. Tell me more about how you’re feeling.”

“That wasn’t my intention, but I understand why it landed that way.”

“You’re right, I did do that, and I’m sorry.”

These responses are vulnerable—and yes, sometimes scary.

But every time we take responsibility or show genuine curiosity about our partner’s experience, we offer repair and grow the love between us. Moving Forward Together If you notice defensiveness in your relationship, remember: change starts with even one person willing to be curious and accountable. It’s not about keeping score or being perfect. It’s about turning toward each other, again and again